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Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Friends don't let friends...

Apparently, the primary concern of a friend is to keep his friends from doing the wrong things (sometimes known as "falling into error"). This seems to be a deep-rooted duty in our culture; a Google search for the phrase "friends don't let friends" returns over 21,000 hits. Many of these are bound to be duplicates, but that still leaves a lot of things to keep friendwatchers busy.

The range of things to watch out for covers just about everything, from the sublime to the ridiculous, profound to silly, serious to whimsical. This is a collection of Web sites dealing with this crucial issue.

I don't know when the term originated, but I suspect that " drunk" is one of the earliest.

Almost all of these sayings are epigrammatic, and many make their way onto bumper stickers and T-shirts. I sometimes wonder about the advisability - or propriety - of proclaiming your views, sandwich-board-like, on your clothes. Did Jefferson have a T-shirt that said "I am a Jeffersonian Democrat"?

To save space, I've left out the string "friends don't let friends" in the links below. When you read them, be sure to add the "don't" back in, otherwise, you're likely to end up doing all sorts of wrong things. This will probably get you a lot of attention, not necessarily appreciated, from your friends.

Also, a few headlines appear in more than one category.

Disclaimer: Inclusion of sites in this list does not imply either my endorsement or disapproval.

There are a lot of links here. That is, after all, the point. Some of them are bound to be so fascinating that you're likely to wander off, and may end up gone for days. That is, after all, the point of the Web.

I left out two or three that turned up in the search, on the basis of extremely bad taste.

The List

Many sites deal with computers, and what you should or shouldn't use. Some of them are pretty esoteric.
When there are many sites with the same philosophy, the number of sites is in parentheses after the title.

use AOL (191)

In this case, inclusion in the list does in fact denote my endorsement.
use DOS (149)
Sometimes the alternative is Linux, as with this site (as if someone is really going to jump from DOS to Linux), sometimes it's Mac (OS X is said to be quite stable, and is built around Unix).
buy brand-name computers
The solution? Roll your own.
double click
A note about communication in the wired age, and whether it's really gotten better.
forward HTML eMail
This one is in "computers" because just about all the chain mail has moved to eMail.
type QWERTY (27)
Does anybody type on a noncomputer keyboard these days? These sites promote the Dvorak keyboard, but there's a recent article (reported on Slashdot) that tells how Peter Klausler found an even better layout, using a neural network algorithm and a few million words of online text.
use Microsoft (528)
This one's a little odd: it's a message apparently on a Linux board, and it complains that a Linux installation patch failed.
use PowerPoint (528)
There's a major article in Fortune about the dark side of PowerPoint.
And here's one from ZDNet News, about the Pentagon's take on "a growing electronic menace: the PowerPoint briefing".
The Fortune article has an example of how not to use PowerPoint: the Gettysburg Address, if Lincoln had had our advantages.
use Passport
Ouch! Four hits so far on Microsoft.
use Palm
use Unix
(There's always one in every crowd.)
use table-based layouts
What else, then? Style sheets, of course. Some browsers even react the way the writer intended.
word process without Reveal Codes
(See Notes.)
write crappy RPGamer editorials
This one gets a nod because it encourages good writing.
write HTML with Word
This one is about as close to a Universal Truth as you can get, in the world of computing.
drink and su(1)
(See Notes.)
do web pages
use dial up

Some warn against a particular product, or endorse some other:

buy Beck

Not the beer. This one's a rather critical review of a CD.
call collect using OPTICOM
Looks like a dissatisfied customer.
DDR forever
This doorway (anime) opens into a huge world. Take a picnic basket.
drive Chevys (bumper sticker) (63)

drive Fords (163)

There's a life story in this one, about the search for the perfect car.
Based on the ratio of Ford/Chevy, it looks like Chevys are way ahead in popularity.
drive SUVs
Those last three cut out a pretty big chunk of the market.
go to UVA
Collegiate rivalry (Virginia Tech vs. University of Virginia)
listen to Moffatts crap

read Beer Connoisseur

The very fact that there is a magazine called Beer Connoisseur is somewhat unsettling. This one makes it even more unsettling.
use AOL (196)
A different look at the problem. (Again)
use Microsoft; Palm; Passport; PowerPoint; Unix
Links are in the computer section above.
wear fanny packs
A short essay on style, family bonding, and the Minnesota State Fair.
I like that one.
fly Bonanzas
This is a report of a tail falling off in flight.

This topic wouldn't be complete without the political:

vote Republican (289)
vote Democrat (89)

Those two seem to have the bases covered. Nobody seems interested in keeping their friends from voting Libertarian or Independent.
Like the Ford/Chevy split, Democrats seem to be more outspoken than Republicans.

On the serious side, there are the friends who don't want their friends to hurt anyone:

abuse kids
drink and drive (581)
get abortions
shoot other friends
execute their citizens
join gangs

Naturally, religion plays a part:

underestimate the power of God's love
go to Hell

The popular "drink and drive" prohibition gets a lot of coverage. Here are a few representative sites:

drink and drive
Drinking and Driving: Ringing in the New Year Safely
drink 'till they drop

This one isn't about drinking. It's about someone drinking until they fall over. This is apparently considered quite clever on some college campuses.
drive lawnmowers when drunk
Talk about a niche market...

But if somebody is so uncouth as to drink, drive, and be stopped by an Officer of the Law, a Southern California attorney could very well be their friend:
plead guilty ™ (379)
(Notice the TM symbol. He's a lawyer. Say no more.)
This guy does not advocate drunk driving. But, the consequences can be quite harsh, and as there are always borderline cases, he maintains that if you do go there, you'll need the best defense money can buy. Either way, it's going to cost you a bundle.

Then there are the odd ones, some serious, some not, that just don't fit into the broad categories:

ride with a training wheel

Not so fast - he's talking about a unicycle here.
Friends don't let women dive cold
This DUI is a diving suit company, Diving Unlimited International.
become verifiers
Canada's unusual approach to firearms control.
dial and drive
drink and play
He's talking about poker. Especially in Vegas.
drive sober
Not so fast - he's talking about golf.
fling frisbees
These things can be deadlier than you think.
get married
get sick
go to law school
invest and drive
shop and drive
pay sales tax
California "Friends of the Library" are exempt.
put their cabinets outside
Generally not a good idea to keep your arcade games outside, especially if it snows, rains, or floods.
read junk
ride junk
Here's a hat, leaving room for a t-shirt and a bumper sticker.
Ride what, then? Skis (as this one suggests), and bicycles
sing sober
What most Karaoke books don't tell you.
speak up
There's a time for speaking up, and a time for not speaking up.
It's a terrible habit, but it can be overcome.
who are new gardners buy annuals
And other sage advice for gardners.
flunk only if they're friends on TV
I think it's a bit of a reach for the concept. This one is on how to keep from falling behind in class, from an editor at


My two picks for the Most Esoteric Prohibition are:

friends don't let friends drink and su(1)

I found this in a signature line on a message board posting. It is attributed to Kevin Harris.
su is the Unix command that gives you full control over a computer. Once you successfully su, it and all its files are yours. If you're drunk, you might suffer a momentary lapse of judgement, and delete all the files. I'm told that this happens, but rarely.
The (1) indicates the section of the Reference Manual that describes su, and it's probably unnecessary, as su only appears in one section. The (1) does make it clear that we're talking about Unix.

friends don't let friends word process without Reveal Codes

Reveal codes are little formatting codes used by most word processors to specify how a document is formatted: paragraph breaks, lists, numbered sections, etc. Word thoughtfully hides these from you, which can be annoying at times. If you're revising a long, complicated document, it's a lot easier if you can see the codes on the screen. That entry is by a lawyer, which is interesting because there was once a very good word processing program, XyWrite (this was in the Old Days, when companies other than Microsoft were allowed to write applications). It was much used by the legal profession, and one of the function keys let you toggle the reveal codes on and off.

posted by Mike 5:38 PM